Brighton 3-0: Wolves Still in their Nice Hotel

Thirty-five seconds. André gave it away in his own half. De Cuyper crossed from the left. Jack Hinshelwood arrived in the box and headed it in. Brighton’s fastest ever Premier League goal, beating Alexis Mac Allister’s 49-second strike against Aston Villa in November 2022.

1-0

The history books cracked open. The Wolves defenders were still tucking their shirts in.

Rob Edwards admitted afterwards that:“it looked like we were still in our nice hotel for the first five minutes"

Five minutes in, Lewis Dunk made it two. De Cuyper corner. Captain peeled off João Gomes like a man slipping out of a slow conversation at a wedding. Header. Top corner. First goal of the season. Marked his return to the starting XI. The Amex went up the way it only goes up when Dunky scores, the way crowds went up for Goldstone goals when Peter Ward scored.

2-0

We could have had four by twenty. Welbeck headed at Bentley. Mitoma fired wide. The first half ended with Wolves having recorded zero shots and earning a verdict of “pathetic” live on Sky from Michael Dawson, which on reflection now reads as generous.

Second half, a wobble. Mosquera bonked one off the bar. Hwang Hee-chan banged one off the post that the linesman’s flag had already cancelled for offside. We held.

Welbeck headed at Bentley again. And then on 86 minutes, Yankuba Minteh, who you may remember spent last weekend skying a tap-in towards the duty-free section of Edinburgh airport, seized a loose ball inside the box and drilled it past Bentley.

3-0

The only sour note: Kaoru Mitoma went off in the 58th minute holding his hamstring with the look of a man watching his World Cup get a little smaller in the rear-view mirror.

Wolves, for the record, have now lost to every other team in the Premier League this season, only the second side ever to manage that, after Sheffield United in 2023-24.

Whatever Rob Edwards is being paid, it isn't enough.

Where this leaves us

Up to seventh. Two games to go. Bournemouth sit just above us in sixth. Brentford, our old workshop friends, were getting put to the sword 3-0 at the Etihad and have slipped behind us.

Liverpool drew with Chelsea. United drew at Sunderland. Tottenham host Leeds on Monday and could yet engineer their own plunge through the trap door, which would be the funniest sentence I have ever typed.

Two games. Leeds away, where the wife will travel up with me, and vanish into the Victorian Quarter with her mum to spend a small fortune on things I will be required to admire. Later, I will be eating the best fish & chips money can buy.

Then Manchester United at home in the final fixture, where I will be with my son enjoying the full hospitality package. Father and son, with wifey picking us up, a long time after the final whistle.

Final Thoughts

• Hürzeler signs until 2029

• Hinshelwood breaks a record that has stood since 2022

• Dunk heads in his first of the season

• Minteh redeems himself for last week’s flight to Edinburgh

• We beat a relegated side 3-0 and climb to seventh

• Billy & Nigel sneak off for a cheeky pint on 80th minute and miss the 3rd

Where are those pizza eating spotty keyboard warriors now?