England 2–0 Andorra: Three Lions Win Ugly, Again

England chalked up another three points yesterday with a 2–0 win over Andorra at Villa Park. On paper it’s flawless: four games, four wins, no goals conceded. In reality it was a footballing sleeping pill dressed as World Cup qualification.

What Actually Happened

England hogged 83% possession, but turned creativity into a hostage situation. Noni Madueke’s cross deflected in off an Andorran defender to give England the lead in the 25th minute. Declan Rice finally doubled it with a header in the 67th, sparing fans from a full afternoon of sterile passing drills.

Debutant Elliot Anderson looked like he belonged in midfield, calm and composed. Everyone else? Let’s say Thomas Tuchel wasn’t impressed. Eze, Rashford and Madueke were singled out for sleepwalking. Only Anderson “passed the test.” When your manager’s review sounds like a moody school report, you know the performance stank.

What It Means

England sit top of Group K with 12 points, yet you wouldn’t know it by the mood. The stands emptied early, the Holte End looked like it had better places to be, and the football served up was functional at best. Tuchel insists it’s “a step forward.” It looked more like shuffling sideways in slippers.

What’s Next

Serbia away in Belgrade is next. This won’t be Andorra, it’ll be a proper scrap. A side that punishes slow build-up and laughs at half-hearted possession football. If England bring the same tempo they showed yesterday, they’ll be sending postcards instead of points home.

Final Word

England won, but calling that a win is like saying you ‘aced it’ because you found a parking space.